Image Source: Courtesy of Prince Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex
In many ways, the world has heard the stories of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from many people, some with the best of intentions and others with only nefarious intentions. But in the Netflix documentary Harry & Meghan, which premiered December 8, we hear from the person who’s been relatively silent during the couple’s widely documented ups and downs: Meghan’s mother, Doria Ragland.
In the series, the couple does not shy away from the brutal history of racism. From sustained scathing headlines to literal death threats, Markle has been the victim of sheer digital cruelty, much of which was aimed at her multiracial heritage. She admits that she never had to do the race talk as a child. “It’s very different to be a minority but not immediately be treated like a minority,” Markle says in the docuseries. “Obviously people are very aware of my race now because they made it such a problem when I went to the UK. But before that, most people didn’t treat me like a ‘black woman.’ So that conversation didn’t have to happen for me.” But Markle got a sobering lesson firsthand when she started dating her husband.
Ragland wishes she had had that tough conversation sooner. “As a parent … I would absolutely love to go back and have that kind of real conversation about how the world sees it [Meghan]’ she shared in one episode.
I always like to think that Meghan Markle and I grew up similarly. We share the same birthday (August 4th), went to all-girl high schools that leave you with a certain kind of can-do energy, and were both raised by single black mothers. I grew up in Queens, NY and had a very “flag-raising” upbringing. By that I mean I was used to seeing people proudly representing their cultures – flags hanging from car dashboards and bodegas awnings. We celebrated “Heritage Nights” at school, where parents served everything from rice and beans to cocoa bread while merengue and dancehall played. And while many believe Queens is a place of racial harmony – we perhaps the most diverse country in the worldbut it is also the place where Sean Bell was shot by the police In 2006, my mother reminded me that we were not living in a post-racial utopia. And it wasn’t long before racism knocked on our doorstep.
My race talk came in kindergarten.
At my daycare, I was the only mixed-race child in my class. With my tanned brown complexion, I never rang any bells at my classmates. As long as I shared my crayons and could play a good red light green light game, I would fit in well with the other 5 year olds. I’ve been invited to Ninja Turtles birthday parties and brought my Cabbage Patch dolls to playdates. There was harmony with my classmates. But as soon as adults got involved, bias knocked on my parents’ doorstep.
I knew for the first time that I was “different” after a PTA meeting. Since my white Latinx dad was rarely able to attend these (he worked at JP Morgan by day and all the New York Yankees games by night), I was thrilled to have both of my parents with me that night. When the parents met our teachers, we were ushered into a room to watch Lady and the Tramp.” I remember we were so excited to see a movie at school of all places! When the meetings were over, my parents picked me up, told me I was a reading rock star, and we went home.
But the next day changed me forever.
As we settled in for the morning, a classmate approached me in my compartment; she had a very disappointed look on her tiny face. “My mom told me your mom was bad for not liking black men,” she said, and just walked away. She didn’t look for an answer – if her mother told her, it was true. Confused because I knew that wasn’t true because my uncle, her brother who we lived with was black, I remember asking, “What does that mean?” And as a kid, that was always the brunt of any criticism deeply personal, I just knew I had done something wrong. It was me; Nobody said mean things about my parents when they were alone. I was the screwed up link. And I carried that guilt on my 5 year old shoulders until I got home that day to take it up with my mom.
In the same straight-forward way my classmate had told me, I asked my mom, “Don’t you like black men?” My mom knew right away — in a way I now “know” when someone put racism and colorism in my environment brings. She lifted me onto her lap and said, “Okay, kid, we need to talk.” And in a digestible way that I could understand as a 5-year-old, my mother told me that people might have opinions about our family because our skin color wasn’t the same and it had more to do with them than nothing to do with us . She asked me how the comments made me feel; I told her I felt so bad. And she told me it was my job to make sure nobody felt that way. If I see someone upset about a mean remark, I should pick them up and tell the other person it was wrong.
Markle embodies this ethos: she has defended the rights of women and people of color as her life’s work. She famously sat alongside the then-royal Fab Four – Prince William, Harry and Princess Kate Middleton – and said that women don’t have to find their voices, but that others should finally listen. But in my personal experience, all that collecting for others doesn’t help with the “othering” you have to deal with as a half-breed person if you aren’t given a space to challenge all the unfair messages you are confronted with throughout your life. And I understand how the constant scrutiny can go through your mind. Even with my mother’s very early guidance, I still have to remind myself that I make my own box every day.
Early conversations about race with black and brown children will in no way soften the blows of racism. It still hurt when strangers assumed my mother was my nanny all those years ago. And I still get hurt and angry when someone looks past me and congratulates my father on his daughters, who are actually my cousins. These microcosms immediately pull me out of the joy I experience with my family and remind me that I am the other. That I don’t fit in, at least at first glance. But at the same time, I can turn the volume down because I know there’s nothing wrong with me or my family and that I’m rooted in both of these beautiful, dynamic cultures.
Every mixed race person’s experience is different, so I can’t say Meghan’s experience would be any different if she had spoken about race as a child. After all, I’m not married into a century-old family that would catapult anyone onto a global stage and put them under intense scrutiny. But I do think that the racism wouldn’t have surprised her so much. And in my experience, sitting with my mother always brings me back to center when my identity is being dissected by outside voices.
Markle is slowly navigating this dynamic as an adult, and it’s heartening that she and Harry are committed to having open conversations about race with their children. In one historical, high-profile family, their children were under scrutiny much earlier than I was at my preschool desk. But with this firm understanding of history – and where they fit in – they will be able to turn down the volume and live authentically.