The Sucky Panther is legendary. Aeons ago (or possibly just a decade ago) someone posted a picture of this tattoo on the internet.
It became a legend. My memory is fuzzy — I’m a “journalist,” so I tend to hit the bottle from time to time — but I think the first time I saw it was on the Sucky Tattoos Instagram page, and I couldn’t stop giggling. I think it looks like one of the Gargoyle from Ghostbusters if it was severely depressed and wearing one of these Breathe right stripes.
The tattoo eventually took on a life of its own. Tattoo artists have made countless variations of the pieceto make something great out of something smart. It pleases me endlessly.
Despite all the laughter and joy the tattoo brought me, there is one thing that still gnaws at me – who is the artist behind the Sucky Panther? Who is the person wearing the Sucky Panther? Why haven’t we heard her story?
Although I consider internet stalking to be one of my most marketable skills, I couldn’t find the answers to these questions. Still dreaming of one day doing a nationwide book tour based on my exhaustively researched oral lore on the Sucky Panther, I think I have to move on. But before I do that, I usually do one last silly thing to celebrate the Feline Lord of Suckiness.
I logged into the old computer this morning and Go to ChatGPT. It’s an AI bot looking to replace humble writers like me, so I should hate it. But not me. Maybe it’s because I’m a nihilist who believes nothing matters, or maybe it’s because I plan to be a billionaire when the time comes The Mega Millions ticket is coming tomorrow nightbut I find the AI bot pretty hilarious.
I asked the bot to tell me a story about someone with a really bad panther tattoo. It didn’t disappoint. I wish I could share the actual origin story of the Sucky Panther, but that’s pretty damn good anyway. Enjoy.
Once upon a time there was a man named Jack who had always been fascinated by panthers. He loved her slim and powerful appearance and he had always dreamed of getting a panther tattoo as a tribute to his favorite animal.
When Jack was in his mid-20s, he finally decided to pursue his dream. He saved some money and went to a tattoo parlor that he had heard was the best in town. The tattoo artist, who went by the name Sketchy Sam, assured Jack that he was a real tattoo artist and could give him the exact panther tattoo he had always wanted.
Excited and a little nervous, Jack sat in the tattoo chair and let Sketchy Sam get to work. The tattoo artist hummed to himself as he carefully applied the tattoo, and Jack felt a mixture of pain and excitement as the ink was applied to his skin.
When the tattoo was finished, Jack was thrilled. It was exactly what he had always wanted: a panther portrayed in all its slender and mighty glory. But as the days passed, something strange happened. The panther tattoo began to fade and distort, becoming a blotchy and unrecognizable mess.
At first, Jack was devastated. He had spent a lot of money on this tattoo and couldn’t believe it turned out so bad. But as the weeks went by, he began to see the humor in the situation. He started telling his friends about his “really bad panther tattoo,” and they all laughed and shook their heads at the absurdity of it.
Finally, Jack got around to embracing his really bad panther tattoo. He even started showing it off with pride, telling anyone who would listen about the time he got a really bad panther tattoo. And while he might not have the sleek and powerful panther tattoo he’d always wanted, he had something even better: a great story to tell.
Editor’s Note: This story wasn’t all that bad. Looks like I should brush up on my resume before the AI overlords take over completely…